The ORIGINAL Fat Kid List

The Fat Kid List

We, the Dirty District, formally present the “Fat Kid List” to the world. No further details in the authorship of this document will be disclosed. The relative anonymity is due to the fact that it would be unjust to accredit this brilliant social and psychological observance to any one or group of persons. It is true that the compilation of the list came to fruition in the height of the Dirty District’s reign in South Side Chicago*. But the only credit that will be assumed by said group is that of observation and organization, owing to the fact that absolute truth can only be discovered, rather than created, by man.

We humbly recognize that the very persons involved in the creation of this list are possessors of many of the traits contained herein. It is precisely that fact that makes the list intriguing. All mankind is plagued by one or more of these undesired traits and it is our sole aim to help in the constant progression of character in which all should be earnestly engaged.

We deem it crucial to clarify one potential point of confusion or dispute from the beginning: you do not need to be fat to be a fat kid, nor does being fat automatically make you a fat kid. The list has been labeled as such simply because that particular trait typically comes as a result of possessing a slew of other traits included. As previously stated each person will find themselves guilty of some of the listed traits, but to be rightly labeled a “fat kid” you most possess a healthy majority. We delegate the right of judgment to each man in judging himself as to his degree of “fat kid”. In addition, it is important to mention that this list is not final, worthy additions will always be welcome in the attempt to root out the fat kid in all of us.

Fat Kids…

…are obese.

…are sticky

…are stinky

…make gross noises

…have fat kid stains (Cheeto dust on the finger tips, fruit punch mustache, etc)

…get wedgies in the front and back

…take things without asking

…do not respect authority

…have strange health problems (seasonal rashes, severe allergies, etc)

…aren’t funny

…are stupid

…aren’t friendly

…don’t have hobbies, interests, or talents

…will never share anything with you but will always expect that you share with them

…are never content with others suggestions but never present suggestions of their own

…are bad story tellers

…draw attention to themselves when injured in various forms such as: loud crying, fake limping, etc

…claim to be able to do things but refuse to prove that they can do them

…eat while using the restroom

…claim nicknames that no one other than themselves ever uses

…know funny things but can’t relate them properly

…are compulsive liars

…sound stupid when they read out loud

…have low self-esteem

…catch on to trends way too late and hold on to them way too long

…refuse to accept the blame for their mistakes, even when their guilt is undeniable

…are inclined to be attracted to people who aren’t attractive

…are selfish

…aren’t polite

…forget important things

…eat dessert before each meal, after each meal, and in between each meal

…brag

…would prefer reading about a superhero than actually being one

…eat when they should be sleeping

…ruin other people’s things

…physically injure others through their clumsiness

…are perverts

…argue with everything, just to argue

…have terrible personal hygiene

…will use the same joke repeatedly if they’ve ever gotten anyone to laugh at it, ever

…snore

…can be easily tricked

…are lazy

...wear t-shirts when they swim

*These were days never to be forgotten. We found ourselves in the slums of “Little Village”, taking note of the faults of others, especially those of "the fat kid". We had much inspiration due to our beloved "Inescrupuloso" …the perfect fat kid. Being disgusted by his conduct and the conduct of others and noticing the correlation between them all, we had to do something...we had to make THE LIST. Now we want the entire world to know, these are the traits for the fat kid. The Dirty District will not be held responsible for any hurt feelings, and we are mindful of our own fat kid traits...though they be few. At times the fat kid, and those with the traits, may take the truth to be hard and abrasive. We "the council" have done this in favor of humanity and hope that it will benefit the fat kid and non-fat kid alike. To inform the non-fat kid so that they will understand why the fatties have these traits, and more importantly to bring the fat kid down to humility and accept and change these traits for the benefit of themselves and others. We seek not to bring down the fat kid, only to help build him back up by noticing and making fun of these horrible traits.